Effective Parenting

This is an extension of my earlier blog “Few words from a recent father”. Now my both the daughters are growing up and I have a more opportunities to meet parents and kids due to my kids’ education program iPhonix (find more details here www.iphonix.co.in). This even adding more exposure on parenting. Since kids will move to the next stage (teenage) of life, I have more suggestions to make to myself and the parents who are also in the same league. As parents, we have many issues in handling our little ones, the example could be behavior, hyperactivity, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, social education, reading and writing ability, curriculum learning disability and many more . . . Here, I am still not covering the topics, which is more in teenage type of issues like anti social behaviors & alcohols. Here I want to take a break and turn the fold. Are these above issues are child issue or the parenting issue? Most of us as parents feel, these are issues with the kids but majorly, I think the occurrence of these issues in kids are because as parents we are not fully aware how to handle such issue. As good parents, we need to practice good parenting, good behavior, good moral values which will cultivate empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness in our child behavior. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps protect children from developing anxiety depression, eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse. As we all know parenting is a well-researched topic and it is proven that these issues can be handled better more emotionally than practically. In the recent past I have been doing lot of research on parents and kids behavior as part of my kids education program. I have come across many parents who think other way and they say these are my kids’ problem and my kids should improve it. But never met a parent who said that their kids improved without any effort from them. However many cases parents refuse to accept that healing needs at parent end not at kids end. Remember a parent's relationship with a child will be reflected in the child's actions and thinking which means all the problems, which are mentioned above including child behavioral problems, are the reflection of your relationship with your kid. If you really want your kids to overcome these issue and participate in making of good society and see a better future world you need to foster the values in your kids. In most case kids adopt parental values. It is a well known fact the babies are developing all kind of sense in their early stage of toddler life in front of your eyes. The way you express yourself, your tone of voice, the way you react, the body language you use, the words you use, the actions you make, the environment you make at home is directly reflects in the behavior of your kids. In case you see something noticeable and not enjoyable in your kids behavior you need to relook your behavior and that is the remedy. And this is not stopped at the early stage, the kids continue to see and make inherent role model and inherit the properties of parents. Your children make you a role model and try do everything the way they see you doing. For e.g. if your kids is generally disrespecting elders you need to check whether you have disrespected any one in front of the kids or disrespected him/her any point of time. We need to be giving respect to be receiving respect. Remember your kid is watching while you loose your temper while driving, the way (tone / body language) you speak to your driver or maid. Before you blow your top in front of your child, think about this do you really want your kid to act the same way when he is angry. In short what you do gets contributed to the kids overall development How to resolve this issue? Have you set rules for life - Some things are important in life and that is setting the rules. Rules are important and necessary to bring discipline which intern help children choose acceptable behavior. Here most of the parent fails to understand and reason is simple, they don’t set rules and second even they set rules they do not make a system to facilitate the rules. Let me explain this with an example. You say to your kid that you need to get 20 out of 20 in your exam. And you think your job is done and kids will follow this rule. Surely you can shout, scold, scream and hit the kid if does not meet your expectation. This merely an expectation as parents, which can never be met. The better if you can make a system and explain how your kid can get 20 out of 20 in exam. Remember if you don’t know how to explain your kid that how to get 20 out of 20 you are expecting something unachievable and this will surely increase frustration within you and your kid. Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it to your child, express your feelings about it and invite your child to work on a SOLUTION with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choice. Be open to your child’s suggestions as well. Negotiate with him/her. Children who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out. Another example is your kid always comes late from play and sit long hours in front of the TV. You can always tell you are jinx and I never expect a kid like you to sit for hours in front of the TV. You can do this for long years without any successful and favorable outcome. If you want to make it a success make a system such as “first warning”, “Second Warning”, “Timeout” or not giving the favorite chocolate or any privilege. Remember rule without a consequence is not a rule. These things need to be devised by every parent, as every DNA is different. Being consistent sets an example of what expect from our children. Avoid unpleasant circumstances as much as possible. One of the things is also observed that most of the parents’ sends their wards to many classes and keep them always busy. The most important ingredient in a relationship is communication and spending quality time with your kids. Once the connection is made the communication starts and most of the issues are automatically resolved. Don’t feel too guilty if you’re a working parent. Quantity is not nearly as important as what you do with the bits and pieces of time you have with your child. It is the many little things you do together playing and window-shopping that your child will remember. Be involved in your child life. Let’s as parents teach our children good things in life so that we can make a “BETTER TOMORROW”. I personally feel that we are too old to change ourselves but we can always foster values in our kids. These values are small & simple to teach for e.g. are you parking your car in the area that is allotted to you? Is your car park within the line and limits? How are you reacting while you are angry? How are you talking with your maid and drivers? Are you jumping signals on the road? Are you honking on the road? Are you using abusive language when you are angry? Are you lying in front of your kids? What kind of serials are you watching with your kids? All the above (not exclusive) matters when it comes to moral values, behaviors, ethics, kindness, disciplined, respect, handling anger any many more things which will help make this society better in future. Finally the solution lies within, the only thing is self-realization and actions towards them are required. Let’s make a better tomorrow.